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February 10

Sit down! Stop causing a commotion.

There once was a long standing notion,

That became a poisonous potion.

God is too busy for us,

Quit making a fuss.

Sit down and stop causing a commotion.

What an awful thing to say, “God is too busy for us.”  Worse is when you believe it.  My mom was raised with that believe and passed it onto her children.  Makes you feel so unimportant.  You walk out your life doing your best not to cause a commotion because what if God suddenly paid attention to you?  Would you tremble in fear or be delighted He finally saw you?  And after He saw you fussing gave you permission to make a commotion.  You would expect to be liberated.

I walked around in a state of numbness for almost half my life. It felt normal to suppress emotions. Mine didn’t really matter anyway and if they did come out they would quickly be dismissed as not important.

The year I started a commotion in my family for sharing a truth that had been held deep in my subconscious and could no longer remain controlled was the year my mom had a heart attack.  I shared with her a feeling that had plagued me for many years.  I wanted some answers.  She listened intently to what I had to say but didn’t say much in return.  I could tell by her silence and facial expressions my “feeling” was real.

It happened a few days after we spoke.  Commotion had broken out.   In the days that followed one of my siblings blamed me for her heart attack.  Things spiraled down after that.   My mom’s dementia worsened and the rest of the family thought it was all in my head.  Those very words spoken over me many times as a child from my mother were again causing me to second guess all my feelings and thoughts.  Not the liberation I thought I would have. If I didn’t have some amazing close friends at that time I don’t know if I would have made it through.

My personal commotion had been going on inside me for a long time.  When I was younger I could use its force to push through barriers that fed my need for significance.  I used it to be the first woman in a traditional man job.  That caused a commotion as well.  My divorce caused a commotion.  I bought a house and that distracted me for awhile.  My children were growing up and out of a broken need I would bond with some of their friends.  I needed to feel needed.  That way I didn’t have to look inside myself.  But eventually that became toxic as well.

God was about to show me He was busy getting my attention.

I wasn’t paying attention to my own needs. They didn’t matter, right?  I found myself having more and more down days than up days. Headaches, anxiety, angry outbursts, feelings of unworthiness, and the need to stay in control was becoming harder and harder.  Commotion was everywhere.   Nowhere to run….

So sit. Sit down.

Several years of being in the counseling seat helped me know God is never too busy.  I didn’t realize how busy I was.  Busy be angry. I was clueless of how it was affecting my children, my job, my self-worth.  I heard God say it was time to seek help but still I waited five more years before seeking it out.  Healing doesn’t come in one session.  Healing from deep rooted pain and abuse requires gentle recovery.

I am not done in my healing  process but I don’t run from it either.

It is hard to watch the effects of my pain in the lives of my children. Commotion is all around them, on their children too.   I pray they know God is not too busy for them either.  I know they will also need to sit at His feet and heal.

Do you have commotion in your life?  Is it time to sit and let the counsel of God heal you? If God has spoken let me encourage you not to wait 5 years like me.  You are important and God is not too busy.  He loves you.